Monday, January 17, 2011

Leaving and staying both sound appealing and terrifying.

To my standards this is not written properly, I am writing what I am thinking at the moment.

I feel like I'm walking a long walk on a short pier.

I wake up in the morning with sun on my face and a gentle breeze blowing to my bedroom. I feel awesome and lucky, but one minute later my mind starts drifting away in a foreign land. Where? I wish I knew, the only thing I know is that it's a feeling I can't classify yet. It arises from the awareness of liberty and maturity of mind, yet it brings the uneasy sensation of walking towards a cliff, as if I was not able to feel completely the peace of the moment. Whether it is a natural feature of my personality or something I should pay attention to, the answer is a riddle I am not even close of solving.

The little grasp I have on this is related to raw ideas that have been in my mind for quite a while, but now I am able to talk about them in a more elaborate way. The first problem is based on a huge fear that consists of challenging deep rooted clichés: school, high school, university (if so), work, marriage, reproduce and repeat. If this is the backbone of society, then I am glad to be a knee bone. For me, there's nothing worse to life than pigeonholes and the presence of apparent empty spaces that people must fill at their own whim. Then what about  people that love to wander, or the ones that have found in roaming the world the purpose of their lives?

I'm not going to say now that this is my case, but in the last couple of years I have experienced this. I have been living out of a suitcase and traveling every two months so I am starting to lose the sense of "steady state". From one place to the other, I got used to the fact that what I want is scattered in a lot of far away places that I just can't hold together. Leaving sounds both appealing and terrifying, staying sounds both appealing and terrifying. I feel like everything happens so fast that I can't even see!

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