What irks me to no end

Hello!

It's been a while since I last posted, but it's because I have been quite busy with papers, bureaucracy and whatnot. Now that I'm a little free, I will continue the blog and my flâneurie activities that are similarly abandoned.

It's about time for a sweet rant. In my opinion, most rants portray creativity, and with the appropriate tone they can be fun. They can provide food for thought by considering unpopular positions about stuff and they trigger arguments sometimes.

This particular rant is particularly about what irks me to no end, or those things that make me draw a huge WTF? sign in my mind.

Important notes that I consider are naturally implied, but I will list them:

-This is not meant to come across as disrespectful

-If you don't like rants, do not read them. Seriously.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

I can't really put too much air to this red balloon. Seems like it won't get any bigger than a 25cm diameter though.

And I get this type of response:

Stop complaining at the balloon. The fact that you are worrying about the centimeters of the balloon only reflects your need to relax and have more fun in life. If you understood the meaning of the vibrant color red, then maybe you could dance a little better and, therefore, be a happier person. As a matter of fact, my aunt recently bought a little puppy named DooDoo. 

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

Employment opportunities are really scarce nowadays. I am tired of sending copious amounts of copies of my CV and get nothing in return. I really want to get the hell out of the country and look for other opportunities where my field is considered more important.

And I get this type of response:

Seriously? And completely skip the fact that we are number 1 in frog biodiversity? Where are you going to find another place in the world where you walk in the street and have this random person waving hello at you from some random window? Considering that <insert nosy statistical factoid here>, and knowing that <insert yet another hackneyed shibboleth> you should really stay and <copy-pasted United Nations motto that contains at least one of the following words: sustainable development, peace, change, future, warming, generation>.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

It has been raining a lot. This must be caused by either regional scale phenomena, or just some local atmospheric disturbance.

And I get this type of response:

As was announced, have mercy, Lord, on us: <insert bible quotation #1 here>, <insert bible quotation #2 here>; <insert bible quotation #3 here>. That's why I <insert last, this time lengthy bible quotation  #4 here>. This is why I love myself and all of us should go to the street holding hands because as it as previously said, said was in the realm of the said, and what is said should be interpreted as said. <Additional nonsensical word labyrinth optional here>. Moreover, the feet that touch the ground are indeed the feet the touch the ground and, they will ultimately lead you to a paradise.*    

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

Okay, so I am definitely going to read this. Can't wait! 

And I get this type of response:

There will be a time when you grow up to become a successful individual. When this happens, you won't even read books. This will be the ultimate sign of your openness and positive outlook in life.   

No words for this one.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

Hello Good Morning. My name is... I am .. years old. I work in... 

And I get this type of response: 

Seriously? On that note, provide now a list your previous romantic relationships. Don't forget to include date, length, experiences, way and causes of breaking up if any, consequences of breaking up if any, your bank account number including credit card number and CVN, a 1000-word monologue about your morning toilet and a why for each item. Next, provide 15 minutes of laundromat chat on the mundane and morose. When you are done, then you will (sorry, not optional) come to a weekly 9pm-4am party for yet another 7 hours of chit chat while your throat literally explodes for attempting to talk with glassbreaking music in the background. This is, you know, to maintain a nice work environment.  

Bravo! Any other request? Some people can't grasp the concept of privacy.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

Mmm, I really like this white t-shirt. I think I will buy it! (smile on my face)

And I get this type of response:

If you're not willing to use it for flirting, it's pointless. There is so little time in life so we have to do the right stuff today in order to avoid regrets tomorrow. 

Hahaha! Lamest reason ever invented to buy clothes.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

This brewery astonishes me. They don't only have seasonal beers, but also have nice types that range from cherry beer to the regular pale ale.    

And I get this type of response:

Flavors are for sissies, seriously. Really, anything that gets me wasted is okay. When you drink beer that's all you want.

 Yeah, right. Why didn't I think about that before?

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

Oh, that's a very exotic place!. What did you like about it? 

And I get this type of response:

Actually we were SO wasted like LOLZ. We were throwing up nonstop since monday until the night before the flight back home! And this random person threw up on me LOLZ. And also, in the airport I was like so drunk I had to eat like 12 cups of ramen to stand up.  

Actually, that response is like being forced to watch this nonstop for 12 hours:

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

 Ok I'll meet you at the bar at 8pm. See you there!

And I get this type of response:

And arrive just by yourself? You are nuts, aren't you? What if you meet with X and wait in their house for like an hour and then I'll pick you up for another 20min commute. Then we can see if Y is ready but we have to make sure we pick up Z before 6:30pm because that's when his/her permission to go out expires. Having accomplished this, we are free to go for T, but we have to call first because he/she works just by the bar so he/she may go with Q instead. On the go, we can pick some balloons for my little brother's school project real quick in the supermarket; and then get a little wasted on a park bench before getting to the bar so that we don't spend a lot of money inside. If we get to the bar and there are people of our group that have not arrived yet, we will wait outside until the place is fucked up full, to then spend another 20 min deciding where else we're gonna go. When we finally get there, then the task is to find someone that wants to drink the same thing you want, to split the Happy Hour drink cost and not pay the extra $0.50 choosing a regular drink represents.

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

 Tsunamis are real concerns for coastal areas. 

And I get this type of response:

I follow. Not only they're a clear impact of human industry on the earth's nucleus but a real consequence of bad energies, both from evil people that don't care about the environment and the ones that escaped, according to studies, from Pandora's box in <insert ridiculous date here>. Knowing that air is at least 6% energy, we can make legendary midgets wave their hammers in the air, catch that benevolent energy and hit the floor with them to transmit good waves to the earth, ultimately causing the calm we all want.    

 Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

  I really wanna try this foreign coffee blend. 

And I get this type of response:

Snob, Traitor. In 191X when the war exploded we experienced <insert factoid about politics> and <insert factoid about economics>. What you are attempting to do is clearly <insult here>. We need to support <particular group of people> because <unrelated emotional rattle>. Moreover <World history quotes and qualia>...

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

  What's up for the weekend?  

And I get this type of response:

Dog, I'm gonna go mad shopping and like MAD driving. Then I'm gonna get mad drinks in a mad bar with mad beeddies. You know, mad birdies dog, mad hooka, mad drinks. Later I'll meet up with ma' sons: <insert up to seven people here> to even get more mad <drinks, food and whatnot>

*Seriously, wtf with the mad thing?

Irks me to NO end:

When for example I say: 

  Ok I had a good time, I guess I'm leaving now guys take care!  

And I get this type of response:

Seriously? Why don't you wait until X dances with Y, the song is almost over.

Then 

Oh wait!, Z has just paid the strongest drink ever. We need to watch this! 

Then 

Why don't you wait until P,Q amd R come. They're up the block, seriously! 

Then 

What are you gonna do locked in your house now?! (I particularly hate this one) 

Then 

Omg! They're bringing Spots (dog) over here! lol C'mon you have not seen that dog yet!

Then 

And aren't you gonna try THE ultimate drink? One cannot visit this place WITHOUT having this drink! But let's wait to order it all together for a picture of all of us doing cheers with it! 

Then 

Actually we're gonna change the place, we're gonna go to this new bar around the block but we have to wait for X to go.ThenCome on say goodbye to everyone!  

Then.... endless.